if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
