Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
