Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
