Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
