I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
