just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
