before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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