I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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