never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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