I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
