i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
