After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
