I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
