im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
