seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
