I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he was CRYING into my vagina
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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