I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
