Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
