I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
