we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
