got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I fill condoms, not promises.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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