tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
