How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
