The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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