Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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