I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
