youre lurking in front of me
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
