this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
