I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
