maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
