I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
