so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
