Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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