his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
