i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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