don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
