i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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