I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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