Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
pop tarts are not kleenex
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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