I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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