lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
