Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I need water and some morals
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