I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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