My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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