That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
