Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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