I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
