Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
