it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
