I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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