The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
