i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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