Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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