The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
