I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
